With an archipelago of islands and peninsulas, it offers crystal-clear waters and lots of marine biodiversity. Surrounded by the preserved Atlantic Forest, it has many hiking trails and breathtaking views as well. 

With an Azorean cultural influence, it also charms you with its architecture, seafood-centered cuisine, and festivities.

Bombinhas, Brazil 🇧🇷 

Population:

Bombinhas has a permanent population of 20,174 inhabitants, being a small town and extremely quiet during the low season. 

As most of the coastal cities of Santa Catarina, in summer Bombinhas receives lots of tourists from the cities in the interior that do not have a beach — Blumenau, Pomerode, Indaial, Timbó, etc. — which sees the population to about 200,000+ people.

Weather:

Bombinhas is located on the coast of Santa Catarina north of Florianópolis, more specifically on the peninsula of Porto Belo.

The climate in Bombinhas as well as in most beaches of Santa Catarina is humid subtropical, CFA in Köppen's climatic classification. 

During the summer, from December to March, the temperatures are higher and can reach over 30°C, while in the winter, from June to September, the temperatures are milder and can go below 10°C.

Rainfall is well distributed throughout the year, but most of it occurs during the summer, mainly between the months of December and March.

In summer, the temperature is perfect for enjoying the beaches and cooling off in the sea.

Why Visit Bombinhas, Brazil?

Bombinhas is the place for your escapade from city life. 

Its paradisiacal beaches, islands and hills make it a perfect place for being in touch with nature. It is a small and new town, founded as a fishing village, which means it is a vacation retreat to relax and forget about problems.

The most famous beaches in Bombinhas are:

• Praia da Sepultura

• Praia de Mariscal

• Praia de Bombinhas

• Praia Quatro Ilhas

However, the city contains several other beaches besides these ones.

It is considered the diving capital of Santa Catarina, and in many ways, or Brazil as a whole.

The city has a great variety of marine life, such as corals, fishes and turtles, which makes it a perfect destination for those who wish to practice diving or snorkeling.

Besides the beaches, there are several options for ecological tours, such as hiking trails through the Atlantic Forest, and visits to islands and natural parks. The city is rich in biodiversity and offers a great opportunity to get to know the flora and fauna of the region. I highly recommend hiking the Morro do Macaco trail, the view is super rewarding.

The gastronomy is unique, rich in seafood and typical dishes of the region, such as the shrimp sequence and the grilled tainha. Besides this, the city has several bars and restaurants with a sea view, which makes the experience even more special. I recommend the Tatuíra restaurant located on the Canto Grande beach, where you can eat seafood on the beach itself.

How to Get to Bombinhas, Brazil 🇧🇷

Unless you’re already in the Brazilian south, you’ll be flying in.

Bombinhas has no airport but you can take a flight to Navegantes or Florianópolis — and from these cities come by car or bus to Bombinhas. Both cities are close. In about an hour or so, depending on the traffic, you will arrive at your destination.

Best Neighborhoods in Bombinhas, Brazil 🇧🇷

The top three neighborhoods of Bombinhas are:

Centro

The center of Bombinhas is considered one of the best neighborhoods in the city because it is the busiest region and has the best tourist infrastructure. 

It is located near the main beaches of the city, such as Praia de Bombinhas and Praia da Lagoinha, and the access to other regions of the city is easy.

In this area you will find a wide variety of stores, restaurants, bars and supermarkets, and because of this it is quite busy all year round and offers many options for leisure and entertainment. 

Praia de Bombinhas is one of the most famous beaches in Santa Catarina, because it has a large strip of sand and crystal clear waters, besides a complete infrastructure of kiosks and restaurants. 

It is pretty easy to get around on foot or by car from the center to other parts of Bombinhas. There are also several bus lines passing through the center, which makes it easy to go to other neighborhoods or cities in the region.

Bombas

Because of its complete infrastructure to receive tourists, Bombas can also be considered one of the best neighborhoods in the city. Incredibly, the city is called Bombinhas and the neighborhood is called Bombas. Don't get them mixed up.

In this neighborhood, you will find Bombas Beach, which is one of the largest and most famous beaches in Bombinhas. With a large extension of sand and a calm sea, it is great for swimming and practicing nautical sports — stand-up paddling, wakeboarding, windsurfing, etc.

The region has loads of bars, restaurants, stores, and supermarkets, meeting the needs of the tourists. This area offers good lodging options, such as hotels, inns, and apartments for seasonal rentals.

To top it off, in Bombas you will find Sepultura beach, one of the most famous beaches in Santa Catarina, and the Tainha hike.

Bombas is located near the center and the Quatro Ilhas neighborhood, so it has easy access to other neighborhoods and other nearby cities.

Mariscal

Mariscal is a neighborhood of Bombinhas famous throughout Santa Catarina due to its natural beauty and cozy atmosphere.

This neighborhood has one of the most beautiful beaches in Bombinhas, the Mariscal Beach. The beach has crystal-clear water, white sand, and plenty of native vegetation. Due to its vast area of Atlantic forest and preservation areas, you will find a rich biodiversity to explore. 

In this neighborhood, outside of the high season (summer), calm and tranquility prevail - so if you are looking for parties, nightlife and excitement, you won't find it here.

If you enjoy sports such as surfing, paddling, kayaking, and hiking, Praia de Mariscal is great. The sea has very good conditions compared to other places in the region, and also very well-kept hiking paths.

Finally, it is well worth enjoying the sunset at Mariscal beach.

Cost of Living in Bombinhas, Brazil

The cost of living in Bombinhas can vary greatly depending on each person's lifestyle and choices. In general, Bombinhas does not have a high cost of living, but it varies a lot in the summer with the arrival of tourists.

• Airbnb Apartment in Best Areas: $600-1200 USD a month

• Hotel in Best Area: $600-1650 USD a month

• Maid: $200-500

• Grocery Store: $300-600

• Eating Out / Delivery: $400-600

• Gym: $20-60

• BJJ / MMA: $20-60

• Partying / Dating / Social: $300-600 USD

• Cell Data: $10-30

It’s possible to live very comfortably in Bombinhas as a tourist for less than $2000 USD per month.

Yes, it is possible for a tourist to live comfortably in Bombinhas for less than $2000 per month. With this budget, it is possible to have access to comfortable accommodations, public transportation, food, and leisure, without having to give up many things. 

You can have some meals in more sophisticated restaurants, visit tourist attractions, play sports, and have access to other leisure activities in the city. 

However, it is always important to research the options available and choose the activities that best suit your budget. With good research and establishing your preferences you can enjoy a lot with little money.

Also, it is important to keep in mind that costs may vary depending on the time of year. For example, in the summer prices increase a lot.

The means of public transportation in Bombinhas would be buses.

The two mayor ride-sharing services in the country are Uber and 99 Taxi.

Each ride will cost around 3-12 USD within the city limits. For going to other cities, just take a bus or rent a car.

Safety in Bombinhas, Brazil 🇧🇷

Just like the other cities in Santa Catarina:

Very safe.

Santa Catarina is the 2nd state with the lowest homicides per capita in Brazil. Violent crime isn’t a real issue, but as always, I’d take basic safety precautions when walking out at night. 

In the summer, people come from everywhere so you have to pay attention to your belongings when you go to the beach. Nobody will assault you, but they can pick your phone or wallet when you are distracted. 

Also, here you won’t see bums and crack addicts everywhere like in many areas of São Paulo and Rio.

Dating in Bombinhas, Brazil

Unlike Florianopolis and Blumenau, Bombinhas is a rather quiet town, not the best place to find a romantic partner.

The city has an Azorean culture mixed with German and Italian, so most of the girls are white and tan, since it is a coastal city. As the city was created by fishermen and lives until today from fishing, the population is very humble and so are the girls. 

Unlike in Balneário Camboriú, they will not be focused on your money, car, or status, but rather your manner and your way of being. Of course, looking sharp and having money always helps.

Most of the girls have a good vibe, are tanned, and have a beach and nature-oriented lifestyle.

Nightlife in Bombinhas, Brazil

There are not many nighttime “rolês” (slang for partying/going out) to be done in Bombinhas since the city is not that busy, but I will mention some of the most famous ones below.

• Mentawai: As Bombinhas is a rather quiet town, Mentawai proposes all kinds of rolês in a single environment. It offers several types of drinks, beverages, and food, such as Mexican, Italian, and snacks in general. Keep an eye on their schedule because some days they may have parties, others live shows with national attractions, and also sometimes work as a cozy bar with live music.

• Storm Hip Hop: It is not a place in itself, but rather a party that originated in Bombinhas and that takes place in several cities throughout Santa Catarina. Because the party is from Bombinhas it has a certain recurrence in the city but it doesn't have a fixed place, it happens in several different places.

• Bora Bora Beach Club: A club with many different styles of music, but with limited operation. It is not a place that has parties every weekend, but on specific dates. It can play funk, sertanejo, pagode, electronic, among others.

• El Fortin: This place is located in Porto Belo, a city next to Bombinhas that is easily accessible. It is considered one of the best electronic music clubs in Brazil, attracting big national and international attractions.

• Tatuíra Petisqueira: If you want to treat your girlfriend, take her to this place to have a romantic evening. The cuisine is based on seafood and I highly recommend the octopus and oysters au gratin (polvo e ostras gratinadas). The restaurant is by the sea, at Canto Grande beach, with tables on the sand, and from time to time it has live music.

• Berro d’Água: A restaurant to eat and drink with friends. They offer seafood and fondue and have a rustic and intimate decoration

• Casa da Lagosta: A restaurant located on the beach which is ideal for those who want to spend the whole day at the beach without going home. They serve seafood and also have beers and juices;

BJJ/MMA in Bombinhas, Brazil

Even in a town of 20k, you can find a Gracie Barra for rolling on the mats. It’s almost like Jiu Jitsu is a national sport or something…

Anyway, there are plenty of martial arts, from BJJ to Muay Thai to Karate.

Cool Things to Do…

• Bombinhas is famous for its beautiful beaches. Take the time to relax, swim, and enjoy the sun at beaches like Mariscal, Bombinhas, Quatro Ilhas, and Zimbros (this one is super calm).

• Take a snorkeling tour and explore the coral reefs and the variety of fish and other sea creatures at the Sepultura beach.

• Explore hiking trails such as the Trilha da Sepultura, Trilha da Costeira de Zimbros, or the Trilha do Morro do Macaco. Morro do Macaco specifically has an incredible panoramic view of the region, including the beaches and the Atlantic forest.

• Take a boat ride along the coast of Bombinhas to enjoy the beautiful seascapes, visit nearby islands, and perhaps spot dolphins.

• Explore Bombinhas' calm and crystalline waters by practicing stand-up paddle or renting a kayak to tour the bays and coves.

• The Bombinhas region is rich in birds and it is possible to go on bird-watching tours to appreciate the diversity of the local fauna. Listen to the singing of the sabiás for a typical Brazilian experience.

• Try the local cuisine at restaurants and seafood kiosks, where you can enjoy fresh and delicious dishes. Marisco ao bafo, lula ao molho, tainha frita… and I'm drooling just by writing this.

Do You Need to Speak Portuguese in Bombinhas?

I’d say so.

While the population is well-educated, “school English” kinda sucks.

However, if you speak Spanish you are going to be okay. In Bombinhas, you're gonna find a lot of Uruguayans and Argentinians flooding our beaches, so the people of Bombinhas are used to Spanish.

You could probably speak English to a lot of the upper class here, but when asking for something in the street for example, it will likely not be enough.

Ideally, you’ll arrive in Bombinha knowing at least basic Portuguese and hopefully fluent Spanish. It will make your experience here much more easy-going. 

If you can find yourself a Brazilian girl or bro that speaks English/Spanish to explore the city with you, then you’re solid.

Still, try to get the fundamentals down before you arrive and the return on investment will be well worth it. 

Use Italki to learn Portuguese before arriving in Brazil.

P.S: This is how to actually learn Portuguese…

Recommended Length of Stay

It is recommended to stay at least 3 to 5 days in Bombinhas in order to enjoy the main attractions and experience the atmosphere of the city. 

In this period, you will be able to visit different beaches, such as Mariscal, Bombinhas, Quatro Ilhas and Zimbros, take one or two hikes, enjoy a boat ride or go diving to explore the marine life of the region. In addition, you can try the local cuisine, see the scenic viewpoints, and enjoy some relaxing moments on the beautiful beaches of the region.

However, if you have more time available, you can extend your stay in Bombinhas and explore other beaches and nearby cities, take additional tours or enjoy the nightlife in neighboring cities, such as Balneário Camboriú.

I would recommend against spending over a month here, as it can get boring. Larger cities in the region that make for more lively bases would be Florianópolis, Balneário Camboriú, Itajaí, Blumenau, Joinville or Jaraguá do Sul. From any of these, you can do escapades to Bombinhas in the summer.

Like all coastal cities in Santa Catarina, Bombinhas really is a different city depending on the seasons. November to February is peak Bombinhas, the rest of the year is a ghost city.

Lastly, a note on the traffic.

The traffic within the city of Bombinhas is calm, but the traffic to get to Bombinhas is horrible, as there is only one way in and out of the peninsula, and there is a toll road there. Plan for traffic when arriving and leaving. 

This is why I would recommend against only staying for 1-2 days, it’s just not cool to deal with that stress twice in a row. Rather really enjoy your stay before going out.

Other Notes

• Bombinhas is the smallest municipality in land area in Santa Catarina, with only about 35 km².

• The city is home to the Arvoredo Marine Biological Reserve, a protected area known for its rich marine biodiversity, with coral reefs and a great variety of marine species.

• Bombinhas is considered the Ecological Diving Capital of Brazil, due to its crystalline waters and the presence of several marine species.

• The city is formed by a group of islands and peninsulas, forming an archipelago of 39 beaches.

• The waters around Bombinhas are considered an important nursery of whales during their reproductive season.

Bombinhas, Brazil 🇧🇷 Overall

Bombinhas the Brazilian diving capital, famous for its stunning beaches and its culture. It is a small town, very well preserved ecologically, with many hiking trails and great beaches for surfing and diving. 

Bombinhas is a city focused on ecotourism, and is more family-oriented. You will not find a great variety of things to do that are not connected to nature. Unlike Florianópolis and Balneário Camboriú, Bombinhas is a quiet city. A perfect environment to relax in the middle of nature for a week or two. 

And if you want to enjoy shopping, parties and nightlife, you can visit the city of Balneário Camboriú close by.

Overall, if you love a tropical scenery, lots of hikes and want a more relaxed beach vibe, this is one of the top places in Brazil.

An island surrounded by paradisiacal beaches and many things to do in nature like hiking, surfing, diving...

Florianópolis is sort of a “Brazilian Hawaii”

A place with lots of beautiful beaches, great nightlife, and stunning landscapes. Oh, and the great looking Brazilian girls don’t hurt, either.

Florianópolis, Brazil 🇧🇷 

Population:

Florianópolis has a permanent population of 574,200 inhabitants and is the second most populous city in Santa Catarina after Joinville. The metropolitan region of Florianópolis has around 1,209,818 inhabitants. 

In the summer, as well as all other coastal cities, Florianopolis receives tourists coming from nearby cities in search of its beautiful beaches — greatly increasing its population in this season.

Weather:

Florianopolis is located on the coast in the state of Santa Catarina, with one part being the continental city, which is small, and the other part the large island of Florianopolis.

The climate in Florianópolis is humid subtropical.

The average annual temperature is 21 °C. Summer is warm and hot, and winter is cool. The rainiest period is between December and March. 

The minimum temperature in the coldest months (June, July, August) ranges from 8 to 13 °C and the maximum temperature in the hottest months (December, January, February) ranges from 29 to 34 °C.

In summer, the temperature is perfect for enjoying the beaches and cooling off in the sea.

Why Visit Florianópolis, Brazil?

I would say that there are three main points that attract tourists to Florianopolis:

The beaches:

Florianópolis is 97% an island, which means that it has a huge variety of beaches all around.

• You can go to the beaches in the north like: Jurerê Internacional, Praia dos Ingleses, Canasvieiras. 

• You can go to the beaches in the central region of Florianópolis like: Praia Mole, Praia da Joaquina, Praia do Campeche. 

• And finally the beaches in the south of Florianópolis such as: Praia do Matadeiro, Lagoinha do Leste, Praia da Armação. 

These are the main ones, but there are many more beaches to be discovered.

Nature Retreats and Hikes:

Florianópolis is a very environmentally preserved city with beautiful places isolated from civilization. 

It has several natural spots such as Lagoa da Conceição, Lagoa do Peri Municipal Park, Lagoinha do Leste, which has no buildings and can only be reached by a 2-hour hike, Campeche Island, among other natural beauties that the city provides.

Historical Center and Santo Antônio de Lisboa:

Both would be the old and historic districts of the city. The historic center is home to the great Florianópolis Public Market, the Cruz e Souza Palace, the Florianópolis Cathedral, and Praça XV, all dating from the end of the 18th century, with a colonial Azorean architecture. 

Santo Antônio de Lisboa is a neighborhood that began to form in 1648 with the arrival of the first Portuguese in the area. The entire neighborhood has this colonial Azorean architecture that gives a different charm to the region. 

The main points of the neighborhood would be the Nossa Senhora das Necessidades Church, the Feira das Alfaias, the Santo Antônio de Lisboa beach and the “Sunset route”

How To Get to Florianópolis, Brazil

Unless you’re already in the Brazilian south, you’ll be flying in.

Florianópolis has the biggest airport in Santa Catarina, being located in the south of the island. Besides the Florianopolis airport, there is also the Navegantes airport, an hour and a half away from Florianópolis by car.

There are international connections to:

• Argentina — Buenos Aires

• Chile — Santiago

• Uruguay — Montevideo

Unless you are in the Southern Cone, you’re more likely to fly in to Brazil’s major airports, like São Paulo or Rio de Janeiro, and take a connecting flight to Florianópolis.

More detailed flight info here.

Best Neighborhoods in Florianópolis, Brazil

The top three neighborhoods of Florianópolis are:

Campeche 

It is a neighborhood that has a complete infrastructure, with supermarkets, stores, restaurants, schools, hospitals, and other essential services - in addition, it is located near the airport and the city center, making it easy to access other parts of the island. 

It is considered a quiet and safe place to live, with low crime rates and a healthy lifestyle, due to the outdoor activities and healthy food offered by the restaurants in the region.

The neighborhood is surrounded by preserved green areas, such as the dunes of Praia do Campeche, the Municipal Park of Maciço do Morro da Cruz, and the Municipal Park of Lagoa do Peri, which offer ecological hikes, waterfalls, picnic areas, and other outdoor activities. 

You will find beaches of white sand and crystalline water, such as Praia do Campeche and Praia da Joaquina. These beaches are ideal for surfing and kitesurfing, as well as being great for hiking and sunbathing.

Jurerê Internacional: 

The neighborhood has a high quality of life, with a pleasant, clean, and well-kept environment. It offers several high-end leisure options, such as clubs, tennis courts, golf courses, and spaces for outdoor activities. 

It has a complete infrastructure, with restaurants, bars, stores, supermarkets, and other essential services. It is located near the city center, making it easy to access the mainland and other parts of the island. 

It is also close to Santo Antônio de Lisboa for the historical architecture enjoyors.

It is considered a very safe neighborhood, with low crime rates. This makes it a great place for those seeking security and tranquility. 

It has beaches with white sand and crystal clear water, such as Jurerê Beach and Jurerê Internacional Beach. These beaches are very frequented by tourists and local residents.

It is also the most expensive neighborhood in the whole city.

Centro: 

The center would be the most walkable of all three, as it has the highest density of infrastructure, with several services such as hospitals, pharmacies, supermarkets, schools, banks, and other commercial establishments. 

It is the heart of the city and is located in a strategic area, close to several historical tourist attractions, restaurants, shopping malls, and other essential services.

In addition, it is easily accessible by public and private transportation. It is one of the oldest areas in the city and has many cultural and historical attractions, such as the Public Market, the Metropolitan Cathedral, Praça XV de Novembro, and the Álvaro de Carvalho Theater. 

It also offers several nightlife options, with bars, pubs, concert halls, and nightclubs. The center's nightlife is quite busy and is one of the neighborhood's main attractions.

The center is a very diverse neighborhood, with a mix of architectural styles, gastronomy, and cultural activities. This makes the neighborhood very interesting for those seeking a multicultural experience.

Unfortunately, you don't have any good beaches here. You have to take a bus or an Uber of at least 15 minutes to the nearest beach.

These would be my top 3 areas.

However, there are three other neighborhoods that we couldn’t not include here, which we’ll count as honorable mentions.

• Barra da Lagoa:

Not to be confused with Lagoa. This is Barra da Lagoa. This is small area with fishing village vibes, quite different from the urbanization of Jurerê. I would consider it as an alternative to Campeche. Lots of gringos around here, good if you're looking to connect with expats. It's beautiful, calm, but also has good parties. Here you have beach and are not too far from the Lagoon.

• Lagoa:

The Lagoa da Conceição is a huge lagoon in the center of the island of Floripa. As such, it neighbors many neighborhoods — Campeche, Barra da Lagoa and isn’t even too far from Santa Monica. The lagoon is home to yachts and boats, docked in multiple marinas.

If you are staying by the “core” of Lagoa, you will be close to Praia Mole and Joaquina, two great beaches. The Dunes of Joaquina will also be close by.

Lagoa da Conceição is somewhat of a more family-friendly area, with bars for drinking beer with live music, stand up paddling, boat trips, kayaking etc.

• Santa Mônica:

An alternative to the center. You’re still close to the center, but right by the highways that will take you to the Lagoon or the north of the island. Here you have loads of bars and gastronomy, the municipal park nearby and, most importantly, all the universities. If you’re looking to mingle with the student crowd, I know of no better place.

Cost of Living in Florianópolis, Brazil 🇧🇷

The cost of living in Florianópolis can vary greatly depending on each person's lifestyle and choices.

In general, the city is considered one of the more expensive in Brazil, especially in relation to the cost of housing and food.

• Airbnb Apartment in Best Areas: $900-2400 USD a month

• Hotel in Best Area: $600-3,000 USD a month

• Maid: $300-600

• Grocery Store: $500-800

• Eating Out / Delivery: $600-900

• Gym: $20-60

• BJJ / MMA: $20-80

• Partying / Dating / Social: $400-800 USD

• Cell Data: $10-30

It’s possible to live very comfortably in Florianópolis as a tourist for less than $2500 USD per month.

Yes, it is possible for a tourist to live comfortably in Florianopolis for less than $2500 per month. With this budget, it is possible to have access to comfortable accommodations, public transportation, food, and leisure, without having to give up many things. 

You can have some meals in more sophisticated restaurants, visit tourist attractions, play sports, and have access to other leisure activities in the city. 

However, it is always important to research the options available and choose the activities that best suit your budget. 

Also, it is important to keep in mind that costs may vary depending on the time of year.

For example, in the summer prices increase a lot!

The location and the types of accommodations play a huge role too. For example, don't stay in Jurerê Internacional on a budget.

The means of public transportation in Florianópolis would be buses and for some areas — boats.

The two mayor ride-sharing services in the country are Uber and 99 Taxi.

Each ride will cost around $4-15 USD within the city limits. For going to other cities, just take a bus or rent a car.

Safety in Florianópolis, Brazil 🇧🇷

Quite safe.

Santa Catarina is the state with the second lowest homicide rate per capita in Brazil. Violent crime isn’t a big issue, but as always, I’d take basic safety precautions when walking out at night. 

In the summer, people come from everywhere, so you have to pay attention to your belongings when you go to the beach. Nobody will assault you, but they can pick your phone or wallet when you are distracted. 

Also, here you won’t see bums and crack addicts everywhere like in many areas of São Paulo and Rio de Janeiro.

Dating in Florianópolis, Brazil

Read more

A place with lots of money, strong nightlife, things to do 24/7, and pristine reserved beaches. 

Today, we’re talking about the most action-packed city of Santa Catarina, Brazil:

Balneário Camboriú 🇧🇷

Balneário, a Dubai Brasileira

Balneário Camboriú, Brazil 🇧🇷 

Population:

Permanent population of around 150.000. Santa Catarina is similar to Switzerland and Germany in this regard: Fairly well-spread out population. A collection of mid-sized cities. 

However, in the summer, the population blows up to about 1 million. The vacation season in Brazil (between November and February) is when the city is the most packed.

Weather:

Balneário Camboriú is located by the coast at the end of the Itajaí Valley, in Santa Catarina. 

That’s atlantic rainforest in a subtropical climate. As such, it has humid weather, Cfa on the Köppen climate scale. January and February have the most rain, while winter is the driest season.

Winters are mildly cold, with some days or weeks being exceptionally cold for Brazilian standards (10-13 degrees celsius), but mostly staying on the 15-18 degrees celsius range. Most Brazilians won’t want to get in the beach during this time.

Summers are hot, with the average high being about 28-29 degrees celsius, and some days crossing the 30s. 

Luckily, in Balneário Camboriú there are a lot of beaches and the wind is generous. It relieves the heat.

Why Visit Balneário Camboriú, Brazil?

I’d say there are two main reasons to visit Balneário Camboriú…

The Luxury

Balneário Camboriú is famous for being the Brazilian Dubai, having the tallest buildings in South America and a lot of rich people staying over there. 

In the main boulevard called Avenida Atlântica you can see a lot of Lamborghinis, Porsches, Ferraris and all the luxury car brands. Lots of yachting too.

Because of this abundance of rich people, there are also loads of high end bars, restaurants, discos and frequent music shows as well. 

Some of the best clubs in Brazil are in Balneário. When concerts, festivals and shows escape the Rio-São Paulo axis, they come to Balneário.

The city has a booming real estate market and also a many companies in the private sector. 

As is usual of Santa Catarina, people here are hard working, entrepreneurial, of higher IQ and more trustworthy in business. Good place for the more entrepreneurial kinds.

Here, you have low unemployment rates and overall much less extreme poverty than what you’d see in other parts of Brazil. It’s still Brazil, but the number of bums you see in the street for example is much lower than in Rio or São Paulo. 

And of course, there’s…

The Beaches

Balneário Camboriú is a coastal city bathed by the Atlantic Ocean along the coast. 

While the beach by the “skyline” isn’t the best, there are a lot of great beaches a short car drive away. 

We’re talking beaches like Taquaras, Laranjeiras, Estaleiro, Taquarinhas, Estaleirinho and Praia Brava. This last one is in Itajaí, but super close to Balneário Camboriú.

Estaleirinho is about a 15-20 min drive away from that skyline

Downtown Balneário is divided in three neighborhoods.

• Barra Sul

• Praia Central

• Barra Norte

All of them are surrounded by the ocean, but the water isn’t the best because of pollution. 

How To Get to Balneário Camboriú, Brazil

Unless you’re already in the Brazilian south, you’ll be flying in.

The closest airport is in Navegantes, which services Balneário Camboriú and Itajaí. Florianópolis and Curitiba are two other options with airports from which there are buses to Balneário Camboriú.

Flights to Navegantes are available from these airports in Brazil:

• Sao Paulo — GRU

• Campinas — VCP

• Brasilia — BSB

• Sao Paulo — CGH

• Porto Alegre — POA

• Cuiaba — CGB

• Rio De Janeiro — SDU

• Iguassu Falls — IGU

More information about flight routes here.

Best Neighborhoods in Balneário Camboriú, Brazil

*Barra Norte of Balneário Camboriú. This is the deck of the Pontal*

The top three neighborhoods of Balneário Camboriú are:

Barra Sul

Logistically great, as it’s in the center between the Centro and the beaches, so it’s easy to get to all beaches or downtown. It’s an independent neighborhood having all you need for daily life close by. 

Good for short and long term stays. The cost of the properties are quite high, but is a long term investment seeing that it is a region that keeps growing. 

Bordering Parque Unipraias, it’s easy to get to the beaches as the park has cable cars that take you right to them. 

Close to the center and also close to the beaches, Barra Sul is a good option if you want great urban AND beach logistics, but not the best in either.

Centro

The Center or Downtown of Brazilian cities is a place where you usually have all you need, all kind of businesses and a lot of people, but they tend not to be the safest neighborhoods. 

Balneário Camboriú is different in this regard. It is a luxurious and a safe city, in the center you see almost no poverty or crime. 

Close to most of the city commerce and malls, this is the option for shopping-oriented short stays or those looking for the best urban logistics.

Interpraias

This region is where the most beautiful beaches of Balneário Camboriú are. Laranjeiras, Taquarinhas, Taquaras, Estaleiro and Estaleirinho. 

Far (15 min) from the center, this area is great for those seeking tranquility and want to live close to nature and the sea. 

Being a region of high-level houses, the cost of living is high and there are few stores or other things to do. 

This is the pick for the absolute best beach logistics at the expense of urban conveniences. Still, if you have a car you can be at the center in about 15 min.

You could also consider Barra Norte if you really like the vibe of Praia Brava and to be closer to the airport in Itajaí. Still, I think most people will end up preferring one of the 3 zones mentioned above.

Cost of Living in Balneário Camboriú, Brazil 🇧🇷

South Brazil is not the cheapest region in Brazil, and Balneário Camboriú, being a luxurious destination, is above average for the state.

When the summer starts and all the tourists come in, it’s even higher.

• Airbnb Apartment in Best Areas: $800-2000 USD a month

• Hotel in Best Area: $1350-2300 USD a month

• Maid: $400-600

• Grocery Store: $500-800

• Eating Out / Delivery: $600-900

• Gym: $30-50

• BJJ / MMA: $20-30

• Partying / Dating / Social: $400-800 USD

• Cell Data: $10-30

It’s possible to live very comfortably in Balneário Camboriú as a tourist for less than $3000 USD per month.

Of course, the exact amount will depend on your lifestyle, if you want to pay less you will have to know the city and the cheaper places, but if you want to go to the famous places in the city you will spend more than $3000 USD per month. 

Remember, this is Brazil…

You can certainly live for cheap if you’re trying to save. Most locals who commute to the center live with under $1000-1500 USD. But if you wanna spend… there’s really no upper limit.

Public transport in Balneário Camboriú is just buses, there is no metro or tram. The most convenient means of transportation here will be ridesharing services. 

The two mayor ride-sharing services in the country are Uber and 99 Taxi.

Each ride will cost around 4-6 USD within the city limits. For going to other cities, just take a bus or rent a car.

Safety in Balneário Camboriú, Brazil 🇧🇷

Overall…

Quite safe.

Santa Catarina is the 2nd state with the lowest homicides per capita in Brazil. Violent crime isn’t a big issue, but as always, I’d take basic safety precautions when walking out at night. 

In the summer, people come from everywhere so you have to pay attention to your belongings when you go to the beach. Nobody will assault you, but they can pick your phone or wallet when you are distracted. 

Also, here you won’t see bums and crack addicts everywhere like in many areas of São Paulo and Rio.

Dating in Balneário Camboriú, Brazil 🇧🇷

There are two main points that you need to be aware of when dating in Balneário Camboriú.

Read more

South Brazil is no different.

Colonized in great part by European settlers in the 18-20th centuries, most of the population can trace their lineage back to Germans, Italians, Portuguese, Poles, Ukrainians etc.

Today, we’re talking about one of the capitals of German settlement in Brazil, seat of the 2nd largest Oktoberfest in the world, and what you can expect from your adventures there.

Willkommen!

Blumenau, Brazil 🇧🇷

Population:

361,000

Santa Catarina is similar to Switzerland and Germany in this regard: Fairly well-spread out population. A collection of mid-sized cities.

Weather:

Blumenau is located right inside the Itajaí Valley, in Santa Catarina. That’s atlantic rainforest in a subtropical climate. As such, it has humid weather, Cfa on the Köppen climate scale. January and February have the most rain, while winter is the driest season.

Winters is mildly cold, with some days or weeks being exceptionally cold for Brazilian standards (4-10 degrees celsius), but mostly staying on the 10-16 degrees celsius range. Summers are DAMN HOT, as the humidity in the valley turns the whole region into a furnace. 

Luckily, beach is 1:30h by car away, so during the summer months blumenauenses go hit the beach by Balneário, Itajaí, Piçarras and Penha.

Why Visit Blumenau, Brazil?

I’d say there are two main reasons to visit Blumenau…

The European culture

Blumenau is famous for the German architecture, festivities, culture, cuisine and all. We’re nationally known for our Oktoberfest, the 2nd largest in the world, only surpassed by Munich. 

As such, Blumenau can provide you a nice culture shock, as most LatAm travelers are used to Spanish and Portuguese colonial history, but not German colonial history. The mix of German/Italian traditions with Brazilian culture is one that is worth experiencing. 

Oktoberfest in Blumenau 

And also, there’s the People.

Blumenau is a town of predominantly German culture, and that is reflected in the local population. 

People here are more punctual. People here don’t curse nearly as often as in Rio. People are more conservative and freedom-loving - the Itajaí valley (also known as European Valley) has the highest density of libertarians and conservatives per capita in the country.

They’re better for business too. They’re hard-working,  entrepreneurial, of higher IQ and more trustworthy in business.

A friend of mine from sales said that from his experience, Santa Catarina companies in general were a delight to do business with, whereas in the northeast it was just hell.

It is no wonder that the Itajaí valley is strongly industrialized and home to subsidiaries of large international companies, like Andritz, Bosch, and Netzsch. 

This translates in low unemployment rates and overall much less extreme poverty than what you’d see in other parts of Brazil. It’s still Brazil, but the number of bums you see in the street for example is much lower. 

People here can actually find good paying jobs (for local standards) in engineering, IT if they get technical or university-level education, and many do.

As such, the people are not only civilized and pleasant to be around, but also make for a good workforce if you’re looking to hire.  

How To Get to Blumenau, Brazil 🇧🇷

Unless you’re already in the Brazilian south, you’ll be flying in.

The closest airport is in Navegantes, which services Balneário Camboriú and Itajaí — the airport is about an hour away.

Florianópolis and Curitiba are two other options with airports from which there are buses to Blumenau.

Best Neighborhoods in Blumenau, Brazil

Center of Blumenau. That’s the Itajaí river.

The top three neighborhoods of Blumenau are:

Escola Agrícola

Logistically great, as it’s in the geographical center, so it’s easy to get to all neighborhoods or surrounding cities (beach or interior). Quite close to the center, and has all you need for daily life close by. Good for short and long term stays.

Vila Nova

Even closer to the center, about 10 min away. Bordering Vila Germânica and parque Ramiro, two of the main attractions. Higher priced, but high quality living with many apartment buildings. Best option for short stays, great for long term stays as well.

Itoupava Central

Far from everything else in the city, but has grown to become an independent neighborhood, almost a Blumenau 2.0. Has what you need for daily life inside, but is about 30 minutes from the center. Would not pick for short term stays or for those looking for action.

The whole city has German architecture-style inns, hotels, and pousadas — if you want that vibe. Overall, accommodation shouldn’t be a problem as Airbnbs are dirt cheap anyway. 

Cost of Living in Blumenau, Brazil 🇧🇷

South Brazil is not the cheapest region in Brazil, but Blumenau is not a capital, a beach city or a major tourist destination, making things cheaper.

The exception is during large festivals like Oktoberfest.

• Airbnb Apartment in Best Area: $300-1000 USD a month

• Hotel in Best Area: $800-2,000 USD a month

• Maid: $200-400

• Grocery Store: $200-600

• Eating Out / Delivery: $300-600

• Gym: $20-35

• BJJ / MMA: $10-25

• Partying / Dating / Social: $200-500 USD

• Cell Data: $10-20

It’s possible to live very comfortably in Blumenau as a tourist for less than $1500 USD per month.

Of course, the exact amount will depend on your lifestyle. Blumenau is quite cheap compared to the touristic cities like Balneário Camboriú, Floripa, Rio or São Paulo. Again, it depends on your needs and lifestyle, but unless you’re renting luxury accommodations, $1500 a month should be adequate.

Public transport in Blumenau is just buses, there is no metro or tram. The most convenient means of transportation here will be ridesharing services. 

The two mayor ride-sharing services in the country are Uber and 99 Taxi.

Each ride will cost around 2-5 USD within the city limits. For going to other cities, just take a bus or rent a car.

Safety in Blumenau, Brazil 🇧🇷

Quite safe.

Santa Catarina is the 2nd state with the lowest homicides per capita in Brazil. Violent crime isn’t a big issue, but as always, I’d take basic safety precautions when walking out at night. There are some rougher favela neighborhoods, but staying in those three areas mentioned above you should be fine.

Also, here you won’t see bums and crack addicts everywhere like in many areas of São Paulo and Rio.

Blumenau is quite clean and nice

Dating in Blumenau, Brazil 🇧🇷

There are two main points that you need to be aware of when dating in Blumenau (and the Itajaí Valley, overall).

First, ethnicity: about 90% of the population is white. There are plenty of loiras and morenas, and almost all of them have either German or Italian descent. 

If European-looking girls with Brazilian bodies is what you’re looking for, that’s what you’ll find. This might not be the place if you’re looking for the typical “Brazilian diversity” of all races. Better hit Rio for that.

Second, culture: In general, girls in Santa Catarina are more conservative than the national average. We’re still in Brazil, which is an insanely sexualized culture, but for Brazilian standards, it’s more conservative.

I mean this both in terms of culture and norms - such as family values, less promiscuous dating, good manners — but also politically (less than 23% of Catarinenses voted for Lula, for instance). This means less radical feminists and left-wingers like in Rio or São Paulo too.

As a side note, since Blumenau is a city with lots of industries and universities, as well as German culture and work ethic, girls are more career-oriented here. Stay-at-home moms are not the norm.

Overall: I find the girls of Blumenau to be both beautiful and solid wife material in terms of personal values. If you like girls with German/Italian genetics but with a more Brazilian body and culture, you’ll like it too. 

Welcome to Blumenau

Nightlife in Blumenau, Brazil 🇧🇷

There are three main areas when going out for nightlife in Blumenau:

Rua Antônio da Veiga, in Victor Konder

Close to FURB (university) and SENAI/ETEVI (technical school), here you’ll find the flux of university-age people going out. It’s also close to the PROEB bus terminal for good logistics.

Dozens of bars and different restaurants, so you’ll have many options. Here are some of the top spots:

• Escape 47: Baladinha (Disco) with music and shows of all genres - samba, pagode, funk, a bit of everything. Young audience.

• Obs Bar: One of the most famous bars in Blumenau, everyone knows it.

• Balbúrdia: Great variety of beers, varied live music. Great atmosphere too.

Rua Curt Hering, in the Center

Plenty of bars and restaurants, but for a more mature audience (30+). Good to go out with family as well. You can find from the typical burger to more refined dishes. Some recommendations:

• Curt Hering Wine & Bar: For enjoying DJ and music, with wine or vodka combos. You can get a table on the street or inside.

• The Basement English Pub: Good place for some light rock, live bands, and top tier food - both German and non-German cuisine. One of my best friends also says they have the best Moscow Mule he’s ever had. Alas, not a place to find girls.

And last but not least…

Vila Germânica, in Velha

Typical tourist rolê. Beautiful area with German architecture, where all the major events are held — including the Oktoberfest. 

My local friends are not that much into it, since a chopp (draft beer) costs R$20 while in Antônio da Veiga you’d pay R$12. Still, a must-see and visit, at least one time.

Still, you can get from Antônio da Veiga do Vila Germânica in about 10 minutes by car, so both are doable in the same day or night. Visit Vila Germânica during the day, enjoy Ramiro and go to Antônio da Veiga at night.

Lastly, there are some other well-frequented night clubs that are not in any of these areas, like Rivage, Black and The Garden. 

BJJ/MMA in Blumenau, Brazil

You’re in Brazil. Next.

Cool Things to Do

• The festivals and events! You can find the calendar for the most important ones here. Oktoberfest is the main German one, Festitália the main Italian one. The city gets absolutely packed with Brazilians from all states during Oktober, so that’s a great time to be dating out as well.

• In terms of smaller festivals, we can mention Sommerfest in the Summer, Osterfest in Easter (go see the one in Pomerode as well), Blumenkuchen (for German cakes), and the Brazilian Beer Festival. 

• While German cuisine isn’t exactly ranked as top-tier worldwide, it does excel at some things. Blumenau is great for beer, sausages, jellies, biscuits, cakes, breads. All of these are solid.

• Go to a bakery and eat the typical “cucas”: Cuca de Farofa, Cuca de Queijo, Cuca de Banana are my favorites. Cuca (from the German, Kuchen) is a special kind of cake that is quite hard to find in other parts of Brazil.

• You should also have some Apfelstrudel and a “Café Colonial” somewhere.

• If you wanna hike, you can go up the Spitzkopf, Morro do Baú or Morro do Cachorro. There are beautiful atlantic-rainforest hikes in the whole region, such as Morro Azul in Pomerode or Trilha da Galheta in Penha.

• Ramiro Ruediger is a centrally located park, with courts for all kinds of sports, running tracks, skateboarding, you name it. A place you can take your laptop and just work while outdoors if you want. 

• For bathing and more nature, you have three options: Waterfalls in Parque das Nascentes - Nova Rússia, river-bathing in Rio Encano or just hit the beaches in Itajaí, Penha, Gravatá.

• If you’re into biking and cycling, there is a 300km circuit of the entire European Valley.

• For a rural German-style experience, visit Vila Itoupava.

• For a museum experience, hit Museu da Hering and the Monumento Voluntários da Pátria (loads of museums nearby). 

• For the typical German-tourism experience, hit up Vila Germânica and also the neighboring town of Pomerode. There, you can find the Nugali store, where you can get the best damn chocolate in Brazil in bulk.

Do you Need to Speak Portuguese in Blumenau?

It is essential to speak Portuguese in Blumenau. While the population is well-educated, “school English” kinda sucks and the city has essentially no gringos. Few people get to practice the language.

Ideally, you’ll arrive in Blumenau knowing at least basic Portuguese and hopefully fluent Spanish. It will make your experience here much more easy-going. 

Speaking some German can help you here or there, but it’s mostly the older generations that speak it, while most young people don’t.

If you can find yourself a Brazilian girl or bro that speaks English/German/Spanish to explore the city with you, then you’re solid.

Still, try to get the fundamentals down before you arrive and the return on investment will be well worth it. 

Use Italki to learn Portuguese before arriving in Blumenau.

P.S: This is how to actually learn Portuguese…

Higher likelihood of finding German speakers in more isolated areas, like Vila Itoupava

Recommended Length of Stay

Depending on your level of interest, it could range from a couple of days to a lifetime. 

If you’re coming just for tourism, I’d recommend you come during one of the festivals and stay for up to a week. There’s not that many tourist attractions, so if you’re not basing up for a while, you should be done with it pretty quick. 

Now, one could also consider Blumenau as a base for living and even doing business in Brazil:

• Blumenau is safe, wealthy, educated, and not too expensive.

• The population is high-IQ, punctual and hard-working. 

• There are German cultural influences, architecture, festivals and beauties (if you’re into Germanic/European culture). 

• The Itajaí valley has beautiful rainforest and is close to top tier beach spots like Balneário Camboriú. 

• It’s not hot all year long, the winters are drier and the 6-16 degrees Celsius cold is refreshing for many. 

These factors all speak for it as a base. The downsides? 

• Heavy rainy seasons with frequent flooding

• No beach (1:30h by car though)

• Exceedingly hot during peak summer

Many blumenauenses get around the shortcomings of the city by owning beach houses in the coast. If you’re considering Blumenau as a base, I’d say the same: this is not a base to be in year-round.

Parque Ramiro Ruediger

Other Notes

• Remember that you are in the beer capital of Brazil. When going out, don’t order some lame-ass Brahma or Skol, get yourself some Eisenbahn, Cerveja Blumenau, Bierland, Schornstein, Opa or other German-style beer.

• When in the center, take a look at the shores of the Itajaí river. You’ll often see capybaras laying around.

• The city’s name comes from Hermann Bruno Otto Blumenau, who founded the city with 17 other Germans in 1850.

• There are many German-style houses and constructions in the city and its neighbor, Pomerode. Pomerode is even known as the “Most German Town in Brazil”

• For similar sized cities with a similarly strong economic profile and Italian/German background, check out Joinville and Jaraguá do Sul.

• Large textile companies like Hering, Kyly, Dudalina etc are also based here, making clothing super cheap.

• Good area to learn German in Brazil. Besides the German-speaking population, there’s a Goethe Institut where to get certified and even a German consulate.

Originally from Blumenau, Eisenbahn was bought by Ambev and is now sold all throughout Brazil

Blumenau, Brazil 🇧🇷 Overall

The city of Blumenau makes you feel like in Germany, but in the tropics. German festivals and culture in the middle of the rainforest. It boasts a decent nightlife, high standard of living and a sharp, hard-working population. 

If you want to see an often forgotten side of European colonization in the Americas and enjoy an Oktoberfest, you should come to Blumenau. 

If you want a mid-sized, chill, safe base from where to work or grow a business during the week, go on rainforest or beach adventures on the weekend and maybe find a beautiful European-looking girlfriend or wife, you should have Blumenau on your list.

Jaraguá do Sul and Joinville are worth a look as well. 

Another picture in Vila Germânica

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil is considered by many the best beach city in the world. Yet, it is not as popular of a destination among expats/gringos as Medellín, Buenos Aires or CDMX

Why so?

In today’s post, I’m here to break down Brazil’s second largest city and talk a little bit about my own personal experience living in the Cidade Maravilhosa.

Rio de Janeiro, Brasil

Population:

12,280,000 in the metro area

Weather: 

Rio’s weather is tropical. Humid hot. You are surrounded by the Atlantic Ocean in one direction and jungle in all others, so it’s bound to be humid.

The daily mean is about 23.8 degrees, peaking at 25-26 degrees in the summer months (December-March) and finding its lowest in the winter (around 21). 

The summer months are also when it is the most rainy – not Costa Rica rainy, luckily. You can expect around 10 days of rain a month in summer and about 5 in winter.

I’m not gonna lie. During summer, Rio is hot. You’ll sweat when going outside. Still, it’s the best damn time to be around.

Why, you ask? Because that’s when everyone is in Rio.

Brazilians dream of spending their NYE in Rio. Vacationing in Rio. Going to Carnival in Rio. 

If you are looking to find mates or just, well, “mate”, summer is when you’ll find the most people in the city. 

It will be hot, but that’s why you have people selling cold Mate absolutely everywhere. And also why Brazilians have ACs. And why you are in a beach city, after all. Go for a dive.

Mate Gelado with Lemon. Tastyy

Still, if you prefer a milder climate, Rio is large enough that there is always something going on. Winter will be less crowded and cheaper, while still offering lots to do.

Why Visit Rio de Janeiro, Brazil?

Getting straight to the point: You are going to Rio for the best urban beach area in the world. Zona Sul.

Here, you have all you could ask for. A walkable, dense urban area with:

• Great beaches

• Amazing nature nearby

• World-class nightlife

• Reasonable safety

• Global cuisine

• Historical monuments, museums and churches

• Best infrastructure and logistics after São Paulo

It is simply impossible to get bored in Rio.

Looking inwards, you have amazing waterfalls, climbing routes, hiking trails and sightseeing spots. 

In the city itself, Rio offers all that you’d want in a Latin American city. A variety of nightlife, museums, historical architecture, landmarks, parks, plenty of dining options, etc. 

Looking outwards, you have DOZENS of great beaches just in the city of Rio. A perfect place to do some surfing, windsurfing, parasailing, or paragliding. 

As a city with beach culture, people take great care of their bodies. Along with Balneário Camboriú, Rio has the best bodies I’ve seen in Brazil.

It is also normal to walk around in flip flops, beach shorts or tank-tops. You could have just come over from the beach after all. Great for sunmaxxing and avoiding bad attention.

Unlike the South, Northeast or the North, which have predominant ethnic groups, as the symbol of Brazil, Rio has truly population, with women from all ethnicities. 

As its cultural capital, whatever you think about when you think about Brazil, you can find here. Samba and Bossa Nova are both from Rio. 

Along with São Paulo, here is where you will find the most shows, concerts, events and the like, be them national or international. 

It’s also a city where your gringo status still holds power. 

While in most major Latin American cities being a gringo isn’t too impressive these days, in all of Brazil it still is. 

Local girls have a reputation for preferring gringos over locals, and I have to say that I saw and experienced plenty of evidence to confirm this without a shadow of a doubt.

Lastly… there is just this chaotic energy to it. Whenever I’m in Rio, things are just *happening* around you all the time. 

It’s hard to explain, but there’s a vibe to the city that anything can come up at any time. Good or bad, random stuff pop up all the time. 

If you don’t handle uncertainty well, I would not go to Rio. If you enjoy the spontaneity and thrive in it, it is a damn good place. 

How to Get to Rio

Getting to Rio isn’t that hard. If you are coming from North America, it surely will be a longer flight than to Mexico or Colombia, but not more than to Buenos Aires.

Here are a handful of US cities offering direct flights:

• Miami

• Atlanta

• Houston

• New York

Some European & Middle Eastern cities:

• Dubai

• Lisbon

• London

• Madrid

• Paris 

• Amsterdam

Some Latin American cities:

• Bogota

• Santiago

• Panama City

• Buenos Aires

• São Paulo

• Asunción

Check all direct routes here: Flights From.

There are also many internal flights, so if you want to hop over to São Paulo, Belo Horizonte, Curitiba, Floripa — it’s cheap and easy to do so without suffering a bus trip.

Best Neighborhoods

If you happen to arrive to Rio during the day, as you begin your descent into Santos Dumont or Galeão Airport, you will see a metropolitan area that is ugly, sprawled, undeveloped.

As you get closer to the city, you start seeing more developed, nicer areas. Zona Sul or Barra, depending on where you’re flying in from.

But you’ll notice that… the poor favelas are also there, right next to the upscale areas. Source of many pictures on inequality… 

Rocinha and on the back, São Conrado.

Indeed, the favelas and the upscale areas are neighbors. 

Right next door to the most affluent neighborhoods in the country, you have zones controlled by the mafias and the drug cartels. 

Zones where police can’t or won’t go in.

Just how Rio works…

Alas, let’s dive into the top areas.

First, you need to understand the following.

The city of Rio is large as fuuuuck

The city of Rio is divided into the following areas: The North, South, West and Center. There is no East, as to the East of Rio we have the city of Niterói across the bay.

Let’s take a deeper look at the options.

North Zone:

With the exception of Ilha do Governador, it is violent. Don’t stay here. Ditto for the neighboring towns except Niterói: Hell.

The only place I would consider in this area is Ilha do Governador if I want to live in a calm place in a little bubble. It is close to the airport (GIG) and has basically everything for a daily life, but is far from *anything* else.

Tijuca (not to be confused with Barra da Tijuca) could be an option too. Active nightlife, metro connection, and not far from Maracanã stadium or Quinta da Boa Vista park. Still, if you are a gringo, you can probably afford to live in a safer area with beach.

Center:

Where so much of Rio’s imperial historic buildings can be found. Also has the only trams (VLT) in Rio. No reason to stay here. It is not safe. Come during the day for the tourism or maybe for the nightlife, but don’t stay here.

West Zone:

One of Rio’s safer areas and the source of morality in this degen den. Here, you will find the USA in Brazil: Car-centric, gated-community style urbanism.

The west zone is responsible for electing right wing candidates and it is so large it could be divided into three areas.

The West Zone in green.

Barra da Tijuca, aka Barra:

Where you want to be in the West Zone. The only place that holds a candle to Zona Sul. Here is where the self-made rich live. 

Overall, the best beaches in Rio are in Barra, as well as the best malls. 

Sadly, it is not walkable and not so well-connected to the rest of the city, with the exception of Jardim Oceânico, which has a metro station and is quite walkable.

That said, you could live in Rio and never have to leave Barra. You have everything over there.

Jacarepaguá & Freguesia:

Mafia-controlled areas. Cheap and exceptionally safe. No beach and or metro connections, but quick car connection to Zona Norte. Would stay here if no has moneys for Zona Sul or Barra.

The rest:

Like the former, but more isolated. Wouldn’t stay here. 

And finally, we get to the heart of Rio: The South Zone

Map of the South Zone

Zona Sul:

If you can afford it, this is the place to be. Where the old-rich families in Rio dwell. 600.000 people live here, the most expensive zone in Rio. Also one of the safest.

Zona Sul has it all. Beach, nature, the Rodrigo de Freitas Lagoon, tourist attractions like the Christ and the Sugarloaf and top tier nightlife.

Unlike Barra, the south zone is walkable. Restaurants, gyms, malls, markets, all you need for your daily life can be found less than 15 minutes away while walking. 

The best urban beach area in the world.

Zona Sul can be divided up in different areas as well. My mental map is the following:

1. Ipanema, Leblon: The best neighborhoods, undisputed. Great beach, great logistics, safe, great overall. Alas, the most expensive m² in Brazil.

2. Copacabana: The other beach neighborhood with great logistics, as it also has a metro connection. Pricey, but less safe than Ipanema-Leblon, touristy af and the vibe is just off. 

3. Gávea, Urca, Jardim Botânico, Catete: Great, safe neighborhoods, but no metro station, so the logistics aren’t as good. With the exception of Urca, none of these have beaches.

4. Botafogo, Flamengo: On the cheaper end in Zona Sul. There is beach, but it isn’t batheable (it’s water from the bay). Has metro, strong logistics and good nightlife.

5. São Conrado: Has a beautiful beach and metro, but it is expensive and isolated from the rest of Zona Sul. 

Where to Stay in Rio?

Now that I told you about the different areas, you might be asking where to stay. My take on it is:

If money is not a consideration: Ipanema or Leblon. The best neighborhoods, period.

If beach or surfing is your highest priority: Barra da Tijuca, with Jardim Oceânico being the best-connected area, and Recreio dos Bandeirantes having amazing beaches. - In Zona Sul, Ipanema  is close to good spots, just not as consistent in the summer. 

If neither fit you, then I’d consider:

Short term stays, want to get to know the city well, move around every day: Pick an area with metro and top logistics. Botafogo and Flamengo are well connected, have beach for doing sports and have good nightlife. 

Copacabana is also well connected. Not a fan; I’d try to stay as close to Ipanema as possible (aka Copanema).

Longer stays, prioritizing great quality of life overall: My pick when I first spent 3 months in Rio was Gávea. 

No metro or beach, but it’s safe, there’s good nightlife, it’s walkable and has the Lagoon close for bike rides and walks. Lagoa would also fit here. 

Both are also in the core of Zona Sul, so that an Uber ride to Leblon, Ipanema or Botafogo is not far.

Urca is a safe option with beach, but no metro. A short Uber ride to Botafogo and Copacabana.

As mentioned, Ilha do Governador will be like Botafogo and Flamengo in having a non-batheable beach, and like Gávea in being safe and having nice nightlife inside. Terribly disconnected from the rest of the city, but I know people who just live here long term and love it.

Cost of Living

Rio is not a “cheap” destination by Latin American standards. While it’s not as expensive as Montevideo, Uruguay or Santiago, Chile, it’s certainly more expensive than Bogota, Colombia or Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Rio can be quite cheap if you are staying in cheap areas (like Jacarepaguá), but then you’ll have to make sacrifices on either logistics, beach or safety. No way around it. 

If you are staying in Ipanema, Leblon or Jardim Oceânico, it will certainly not be cheap for Latam standards.

Here’s an approximate breakdown of what you can expect to spend in Rio.

• Airbnb Apartment in Best Areas: $1000-3000 USD a month

• Hotel in Best Areas: $3000+ USD a month

• Maid: $400-600

• Grocery Store: $400-600

• Eating Out / Delivery: $400-600

• Gym: $50+

• BJJ / MMA: $60+

• Partying / Dating / Social: $600-900 USD

• Cell Data: $20

Eating and drinking at restaurants in the poshier nightlife areas is quite pricey – we’ll cover these soon. However, even in Zona Sul, if you go to the less poshy areas like Botafogo or Flamengo, the prices lower considerably. 

You could like in Rio for less than $1000 a month, and you can also live here spending over $10000. As Brazil’s top tourism and entertainment destination, the sky is the limit when it comes to spending. That said, $3000 a month should get you a good life in the top areas.

Is Rio Safe?

Lol. No, man. Rio isn’t safe. 

That said…

If you stick to the better areas and follow safety precautions, you should be fine.

After all, do you think Brazil’s cultural elite – the TV stars, musicians and so on – would be living here if everyone was getting mugged and shot all day?

Pull up a Rio violence heatmap and you’ll see that violent crime is more predominant in the Center and North Zones, and skyrockets in the nearby cities like Belford Roxo or São João de Meriti.

In Zona Sul and Barra, if crime befalls upon you, it’s likely for it to be something like pickpocketing or an arrastão – when a group of criminals go through a beach like Copacabana stealing everyone’s phones and wallets.

Worst thing that happened in my vicinity during my time in Rio (staying in Zona Sul) was a friend getting pickpocketed at a party, but at that time he was quite drunk and had let his guard down.

One of my best friends, who is from Jacarepaguá, was never robbed in his life.

Here’s your guide:

• Stick to living in the better areas. Zona Sul or Barra, preferably.

• Stay in a place with a porteiro (doorman). Scope is not a problem here, but it’s still advised to get a porteiro.

• Don’t walk around at night. Just take an Uber or the metro (if still open, it closes at midnight). They’re cheap anyway.

• Don’t flex. This is a city of extreme inequality. Why would you walk around in a Rolex when people close to you are starving?

• Pay attention to your surroundings. Rio is not a city where you mindlessly walk around looking at your phone. You can have your earphones on, but always be alert. It’s worth it too, as there’s always stuff going on.

• If you wanna go up to the favelas, don’t do so on your own. They are quite safe if you are with someone from there, but you don’t wanna get lost alone without knowing the local rules and customs.

• Carry a cheap phone and a wallet with some cash on you so you can give it if someone tries to rob you. We call it “do bandido”, the bandit’s phone.

Follow these tips and you should avoid most of the trouble.

Meme map of Rio de Janeiro’s traditional criminal profile. Once again, Barra and Zona Sul are superior…

Dating in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Read more

Top tier game in Portuguese. Just drop the line above on any cavala you see in Brazil and you’re sure to be mating ASAP.

Só que não.

That, of course, if you managed to spell the „ão“ correctly. 

Tis the biggest gringo tell in all of Portuguese. Master this and you’ll be far above the rest.

In all seriousness…

If by now you‘re interested in all Brazil has to offer, from the high IQ city of São Paulo, the degeneracy of Rio or the many hidden gems across the country, then you need to realize:

Your semi-decent Spanish is not gonna cut it.

And unless you’re in the fancy Selina Hostel or Nomad villages in places like Pipa.

Your English is not gonna cut it either.

To truly enjoy Brazil to the max, you have to learn Portuguese

Why?

Because most Brazilians do not speak English. This is not Mexico. We’re not flooded with gringos. 

Even in a place like Rio, most tourism is internal – from the over 205 million Brazilians traveling around. 

Similar to how in the US Americans travel a lot within their own huge country.

It’s just a fact that if you wanna talk to most Brazilians, you will need Portuguese.

That said, there are two other benefits to learning Portuguese besides enjoying Brazil.

First is the similarity of the Latin languages:

• Your current Spanish knowledge will help you learn Portuguese faster

• Your Portuguese knowledge will help you learn other Latin languages faster

Second is:

You’ll be a demigod in Brazil. Life on easy mode.

Brazilians already love gringos. Not that many gringos speak Portuguese, so Brazilians (specially da womanz) will not only be eager to help you learn, but they’ll appreciate you once you speak the language.

Of course, you’ll only really learn if you focus on stuff that actually moves the needle forward.

As such, we shall follow the same fail-proof 4-step process to learning Spanish that Jake outlined.

If you follow the plan below for 3-6+ months, you will be fully conversational in Portuguese.

Eu te prometo.

1. Move to Brazil

First ting’ you need to do…

Book a flight.

While you can start studying before you arrive, the only way to truly learn Portuguese as an adult is…

Full immersion.

That means living in a Portuguese-speaking country for 3-6+ months.

I would not recommend Portugal for this endeavor:

• Their accent sucks – everyone says Brazilian Portuguese sounds better

• 99% of all culture, be it music, movies, Youtube vídeos, etc, is produced in Brazilian Portuguese

• The Portuguese actually speak English, making it too easy for you to avoid forcing yourself to learn

You can also consider Portuguese Africa…

This may be interesting, especially the safer islands of Cape Verde or São Tomé. But that’s if you’re into Africa.

Brazil is where it’s at for both the most used and fluid version of the language.

Now, some places are better to learn than others. You see, even inside Brazil, we have different accents. 

If you want to hear the difference, check here and here.

Don’t overthink it, as they are all mutually intelligible. That said, if I were going to pick one, there are some that stand out:

The Carioca Accent, from Rio:

Some people hate it. However, it is generally regarded as sexy by those from other states. 

I’m not even carioca, but I must admit that when I started speaking with carioca accent, the girls noticed ;)

The Mineiro Accent, from Minas Gerais:

Generally regarded as friendly and fun. Everyone likes mineiros.

Manézes Accent, from Floripa and surroundings:

This accent is derived from the Azorean colonists, and is likely the closest you’ll get to European Portuguese in Brazil.

There is only ONE accent that I would absolutely NOT recommend…

The Paulistano Accent, from São Paulo city:

This is tied with the carioca accent as the most hated in Brazil. But unlike the Carioca, it’s not sexy. ESPECIALLY the Faria Lima version.

It’s the accent of the Californians of Brazil. People who use loan words from English all the time and who eat avocado toast. Steer away from it.

PÔÔ MEEU, why are you talking bad about paulistano accent!

São Paulo and Rio, might not be the most economical places to study, but besides that, the rest of Brazil is pretty ok in terms of cost of living. 

Maybe the upscale areas of Brasília or Floripa would be as expensive, but apart from that, the 28+ cities with over 1 million inhabitants are not nearly as expensive as São Paulo and Rio.

So basically…

Book a flight.

Book an Airbnb for 3-6+ months in the city of your choice — if staying for 3+ months, use the Nomad visa.

Make sure the wifi is good.

Plan to fully immerse yourself in the Portuguese language.

2. Start Studying with an Online Tutor

Now we’re getting to the good stuff…

Yes, you’ll actually want to actively study the language.

When most people start out studying Portuguese, they download some app — often DuoLingo.

Jake said it best:

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

The opposite of Nike.

DuoLingo can work. In practice, the vast majority of people “studying” on DuoLingo for 3-6+ months still can’t order food in a restaurant properly…in Portuguese.

Other folks buy an online course, like a Rosetta Stone or some shit.

Also not worth the time or money.

Avoid.

“Alright… so how the hell am I supposed to study Portuguese, bruv?”

Sinple 🥂

You will take online classes with a professional tutor.

And it’s far cheaper than you think.

Here’s the game-plan once you’re actually in Brazil…

One-hour of Portuguese study with a professional tutor, Monday through Friday…no weekdays off.

Punto.

So, where do we find these professional tutors?

Unfortunately, Language Blend is not available for Portuguese

However, there’s another economical option that works damn well.

Wat is?

• Italki

Italki is an online language learning platform that allows you to book classes with professional language teachers.

These classes cost anywhere from $5-20 USD per hour and prices generally vary based on the quality of the teacher.

One tip…

Only book with “professional teachers” on Italki. The others ones usually suck.

I did not study Portuguese on Italki, as I am Brazilian lol — but Jake used the platform to study Portuguese and it works quite well.

Click here to get started. Highly recommended.

3. Go on as Many Dates as Humanly Possible

So now…

You’re fully immersed, living in Brazil, and studying Portuguese every damn day.

While ideal, these two steps alone will NOT get you conversational in three-months.

Nem fudendo.

What’s next?

Actually using what you’ve been studying and having long-form conversations in Portuguese.

Now, you could probably do this by going to a few “language exchange” nights in the city you’re in and practicing Portuguese that way.

It would help.

But there’s an issue…

You don’t have anything invested in these conversations.

You don’t have any motivation outside of learning the language.

Which is why we absolutely must add in one thing…

Dating

Dating is an integral part of learning any language.

Why?

Because you’re highly invested in the conversation. Because if the conversation goes well you could be enjoying bunda later on that evening. Grátis.

Muito importante.

So while you’re living in Brazil and studying Portuguese with an online professional tutor daily, you’ll also be striving to go on dates with females that do NOT speak English…

DAILY.

Download Tinder. Download Bumble. Swipe your life away.

Spam Instagram models in your city with DMs.

Go out at night and party hard. Have mating on the mind. Meet women.

Use your dogshit Portuguese to flirt with the cute barista as best you can. Ask for her Instagram and them DM her.

Be an absolute degenerate…in the name of learning Portuguese.

When Jake was starting out learning Spanish, he’d be going on 5-10 dates every single week. Dating was a full-time job, learning Spanish was the side hustle.

But it worked damn well. That’s how you learn a language.

Every single date you go on with a non-English speaking Brasileira is 2-3 hours of Portuguese language practice.

Sure, you’ll have to use your translator app part of the time. Who cares? I can promise you that fertile young latina sitting across from you is not too worried…as long as you’re making the effort to learn and speak her language.

Do NOT skip this step, sers ;)

4. Consoom Portuguese Content w/ English Subtitles

Now…

At this point, you are living in Brazil, studying Portuguese with a tutor every damn day, and dating at least 1-2 cute latinas.

Now, you have to actually become Brazilian.

I don’t mean you have to spend 4 years to get citizenship, no sers.

What I mean is that you have to immerse yourself in Brazilian culture.

Brazil is, on its own, one of the great powers when it comes to cultural production. Even though we don’t export it that much.

Brazil has an insane amount of slang and inside references that only makes sense to Brazilians or those that make an effort to learn them.

While that would come naturally to you throughout the years, speeding up the process will make you understand the country and its people better.

And of course, make you funnier and able to understand inside jokes. 

Alas, let’s go through some top content you can immerse yourself in.

In terms of TV and Cinema, some titles that can be found with English subs:

• Tropa de Elite 1 and 2 — absolute classics and source of many memes

• Cidade de Deus — absolute classic

• Cidade dos Homens

• O Mecanismo — on Netflix

• O Auto da Compadecida

• Sob Pressão

You can also choose to watch international movies with Brazilian dubs.

Make sure the audio is in Portuguese. Then make sure the subtitles are in English.

While I know many are against dubs, the Brazilian dub industry is one of the most professional I’m aware of, and most times beats the shit I’ve heard dubbed in German or Spanish by a mile.

Once you get a good level of understanding, you can watch A Grande Família, a classic of the classics and again, source of many memes. 

Sadly impossible to find with English subtitles, so it will be a test for once you’re more fluent.

With all this content, you’ll pick up on the flow and tonality of the language, while learning a bit of vocabulary.

Win-win-win.

But we don’t stop there.

When it comes to music, Brazil has a lot to offer too. Figure out which local styles you like most and listen to it — or go dance it:

• Bossa Nova – start with Tom Jobim, Vinícius de Moraes. Here’s a good playlist.

• Samba – start with Zeca Pagodinho or the OGs

• Pagode – Grupo Revelação is huge

• Forró – Barões da Pisadinha is huge

• Funk – check out Kondzilla or LoveFunk

Some international styles are well-represented in Brazilian music too:

• Rap – Marcelo D2, Racionais MCs, Facção Central, Cone Crew Diretoria, Xis

• Rock – Raul Seixas, Zé Ramalho, Capital Inicial, Ira, Pitty, Camisa de Vênus, Engenheiros do Hawaii, Titãs, Charlie Brown Jr., Skank

• Country – Chitãozinho e Xororó, César Menotti e Fabiano, Rolando Boldrin, Leandro e Leonardo

Brazilian Lo-Fi is growing a lot too. If that’s your vibe, check Gabriel MZero, MadZ, or Seiva.

If you’re a reading guy, you can start practicing your reading with bilingual books. Here you can find free classics, here a paid one. For sure there’s many more online. 

Last but not least: Internet content!

For short, subtitled comedy skits, Porta dos Fundos is a great channel with hundreds of videos that was the source of many a Brazilian meme. 

That said, as the typical Brazilian artistic class, they are quite lefty, so I’d steer away from the religious vídeos if you are a more religious guy. Cringe atheist type stuff.

Once you get to a decent level of listening, you can start to listen to podcasts. Here I have some recommendations as well:

• Flow Podcast: Basically the Brazilian JRE. Huge guests, even interviewed Lula and Bolsonaro.

• Fernando Ulrich: Investing, finance. Especially interesting if you wanna invest in Brazil too.

• NerdCast: Biz, tech, fun stories. They have gotten quite lefty as time passed, but pre episode 450-500 there are some hilarious stuff. I would start with a listen of the “The Best of” from all episodes before 500.

• Tapa da Mão Invisível: Politics, culture, econ. 

• Contra o Vento Podcast: Residencies, offshoring, second citizenships

In Tropa de Elite, Wagner Moura played Brazil’s most iconic TV antihero, BOPE squad leader Capitão Nascimento. You may recognize him as Pablo Escobar, from Narcos. Dude is legit playing both sides of the drug war...

It’s that Simple…

If you follow the steps above to a “T” — you will be speaking conversational Portuguese in 3-6+ months.

Speaking Portuguese that’s a higher level than many an expat that’s lived in Brazil for damn near a decade.

Te juro.

And here’s the kicker…

You’ll be enjoying the hell out of it. Immersed in a new culture, learning a new language, and dating beautiful women.

Not spending all day on some lame language learning app that doesn’t even work.

Huge thanks for @JakeNomada for letting me guest post this article.  

Now to the good stuff. I truly believe that Brazil is the best place in Latin America to obtain steroids.  

Brazil in the early 2000s had a legislative transformation and allowed the production of generic drugs for the first time.

This led to massive investment into the generic drug market, as Brazil was and continues to be one of the world’s largest countries by population.

Unlike Mexico, which has among the highest rates of counterfeit generics in development, Brazilian generics are some of the highest quality and safest outside of the USA and Europe. 

In addition to having quality generics, as well as access to brand name drugs, Brazilian medicines are also significantly cheaper than anywhere in the US.  

In Brazil, steroids are widely used by both men and women, both legally and illegally.

P.S: Here is photo of average sized male found in Brazilian gym…

How to Get TRT and/or Steroids in Brazil 🇧🇷

There are three main ways to get and use steroids here: 

1. Go to a doctor and get prescription 

   1. Pros: pharma-grade, cheap, ideal to do w/a doctor since most of you don’t know medicine 

   2. Cons: pain in the ass, may have to shop some doctors, don’t have access to every steroid under the sun 

2. Find a pharmacy that will sell you without a prescription  

   1. Pros: can get the steroids w/o going to a doc 

   2. Cons: high chance of being fake drug if the pharma is cutting corners 

3. Buy on the black market 

   1. Pros: cheapest, access to anything under the sun 

   2. Cons: hard to find reliable dealer, illegal, decent chance of injecting adulterated drug or at different dose than advertised  

I am a big fan of option #1 in Brazil.

If you’re looking for a doctor who will be much more open to steroids and will almost surely give you a prescription for them, look up sports medicine doctors in your Brazilian city.

They can give you steroids tailored to your current body type, fitness goals, and make sure they’re pharma-grade.

Further, most come with a nutritionist. The most expensive ones cost $100-120 USD for a consult — with first follow up consult free.  

Seriously. Unless you’re a super poor, you should have a couple hundred dollars to spend over the course of a year to get it done with pharma-grade by a high quality doctor.

It’s not like US or Europe where it’s illegal — the doctors here gladly will give you drugs to make you jacked.

P.S: This is changing in the USA, as online TRT clinics accepting insurance are becoming more common.

Don’t be stupid or and don’t be poor.  

Common Performance Enhancers in Brazil 🇧🇷

Now let’s take a look at the most common steroids available in Brazil.

Excluding the black market where you can find anything, the following are the most common legal and easily available through a doctor for fitness purposes in Brazil: 

1. Testosterone — various types, most common is Deposteron-testosterone cypionate  

2. Deca — nandralone 

3. Oxandralone — Anavar 

4. Anadrol  

5. HGH (somatropin)  

6. Tren  

7. Oxymesterone 

8. Winstrol 

Important note:

In Brazil and most of LatAm, most injectable medications come in ampules and not vials.

Please research and practice opening them, as you can cut yourself. It also means that unlike vials you can’t reuse them. There are solutions for this like buying vials and transferring from ampule to vial or backloading syringes.  

P.S: Buying a vial and transferring is generally ideal for most users running lower dosages.

Injectables are generally available in commercial pharmacies upon showing a receipt. On the other hand, oral steroids are only available through “manipulation” pharmacies.  

Medical prescriptions in Brazil can be either printed paper or digital format by your doctor — via whatsapp or email. 

When you go to the pharmacy to get your drugs, they will ask you to fill out the bottom part of the prescription and they will retain it on their end — no double dipping unfortunately. 

The legal limit of how many ampules you can buy at one time is 5 — or sometimes 6 since some like Deposteron only come in packages of 3.

There is no central registry so you could very well go to the pharmacy across the street afterward and get another 5-6 ampules.  

Digging Deeper…

When it comes to pinning, most pharmacies only sell 5mL syringes — Luer lock so you can take off the needle.

Needle drawing and pinning sizes are very much personal preferences. I generally use 18G to draw and 24G or 26G to pin glutes or VGs.

Finding your preferred needle size can be quite tricky as most pharmacies don’t have too many options on hand. I highly recommend buying these online as you can get a pack of 100 needles of whichever size you want from MercadoLivre.  

Another fun fact about Brazil is that almost all pharmacies will inject drugs for you for a small fee.

Just show the prescription from the doc and they’ll take you to the pharmacist’s room and inject. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and the injecting girl will be hot. 

Finally, with underground labs, you probably will get screwed if you’re a gringo and know no Portuguese.

Your best bet in this case is to befriend someone jacked in the gym in a RICH area and ask for connects. They likely are using a doctor — because why not when it’s so cheap?

But a few will be on “black market” gear. If you are comfortable in more ghetto situations, you can easily find them in worse parts of town, though you likely will be screwed since you’re a foreigner.  

Running "Gear" In Brazil 🇧🇷 | Verdict

All in all, Brazil is superior for steroids.

They are widely available, culturally accepted, easy to get legally, high quality and cheap for pharma-grade.

Highly recommend if you live or spend time here to follow this. Also important to add that many foreigners visit for a few days for this express purpose too and doctors are able to help you.  

See you soon and get jacked! 

P.S: Finding bacteriostatic water for injection can be difficult in Brazil. Bring that with you if you can.

Rio de Janeiro 🇧🇷

Cidade maravilhosa.

The marvelous city — a fitting name if there ever was one.

I hopped off the plane and instantly smelled the “amor” in the air. Beaches filled with bunda racing through my mind. Thoughts of“Favela bunnies” worshipping my every step.

I had told my Airbnb host about my arrival time in advance. He said he’d be waiting for me. So upon hopping in the taxi at the airport, I was not expecting any issues.

Dusk was approaching and the taxi promptly stopped in front of my apartment near Arpoador.

There was no doorman. Just a large, locked gate and the front door of the building.

I had texted my Airbnb host once I got in the taxi.

No reply.

I texted him again as I began getting my luggage out of the trunk.

Nothing.

I called him as I stood outside with my luggage. Clinging to all my worldly possessions as hundreds of people walked by.

No answer.

Five minutes pass by and I call again.

He doesn’t pick up.

It’s getting dark now. I don’t speak much Portuguese. I’m in a city I’ve never been before. Standing on the street with all my belongings.

A city well-known for street crime and petty theft — especially in the early evenings, when the favela teens come down from the hills to harass tourists on vacation.

Five more minutes pass by.

I call again and again.

Multiple text messages.

I’m a few minutes from calling an Uber and finding a hotel. Getting robbed for all my worldly possessions was not in the plans for my first Rio de Janeiro trip.

Or ‘twas the goal at least…

To you know, uhhhh, not get robbed for everything I owned — upon landing in the city.

At least give me a few days.

Finalmente…

I send one last text.

My phone lights up. Finally. The Airbnb host is calling.

“Hey Jake, tudo bem? I’m coming down right now. One second.”

He hangs up before I can get a word in.

Dude kinda sounded out of breath, but whatever — at least he’s about to let me into the damn apartment.

The dude shows up at the front gate. He’s a jacked, Italian looking Brazilian with decent English. He’s also sweating profusely for some reason.

He was a really friendly guy and I was furious at this point, but fuck — how can you be mad at friendly Brazilians?

They’re so nice. They just keep talking and smiling, and talking and smiling.

So I let it slide and we walk up a few flights of stairs to the apartment.

We make it to the door of the apartment and he unlocks it…

The smell.

The apartment smelled like…

Fresh pussy.

Honestly, not sure how else to describe it. This apartment smelled like pure Brazilian sex — which instantly hit my nose as I took my luggage inside.

Upon which I turn to my left to see a mid-40s woman sitting on the couch…

What is going on here?!

The host notices that I noticed exactly what was going on.

He starts talking a mile a minute:

“You’re muscular. Do you do jiu jitsu? No?! You should!”

“I own a BJJ gym here, you can come train with me for free!”

“Oh, and this is my wife…she was, ummmm, helping me clean the apartment before your arrival.”

“Let me open this window. The apartment gets a nice breeze during the nighttime.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or leave.

The host quickly grabs his wife by the arm and drags her outside…

“Let me know if you need anything!”

Ummmm, like some fresh sheets and a clean bed?!

See what had happened was…

The Brazilian BJJ coach/Airbnb host and his wife decided they were going to knock one out before I arrived.

So the whole time I was waiting outside on the street, with all of my worldly possessions in tow, the host was smashing his wife.

In the bed of the apartment I had rented for the next month.

On the sheets I was supposed to sleep on that night.

Bem-vindo ao Brasil!

Which is why the apartment reeked of sex when I walked in and his wife wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

It gets better…

So I’m doing my thing in Rio over the next week or so.

Trying to go on as many Tinder dates as humanly possible, using Spanish instead of Portuguese.

Hitting the “Flintstones” gym every morning. Swimming in the ocean every afternoon. Hiking, seeing the sights, the “whole nine” so to speak.

Coisas do Brasil

Then the Airbnb host texts me…

“Jake, tudo bem? How is everything? Are you enjoying the apartment? Rio?”

We start chatting, he starts asking me about what I’m doing, if I’ve met any girls, etc.

Me: “Yeah, met a few, broski. Really loving the girls here. So feminine.”

“Kkkkkk you want to go to swing club with me and my wife and some girls from the jiu jitsu gym? My wife told them about you and they want to go with you.”

He starts sending me half-naked photos of all the girls he’s going to the swing club with this weekend.

Ummmm…

I wait to reply. I have to think about this one. My Brazilian friend from Sao Paulo always raves about Brazilian swing clubs.

Well…

Me: “Hell yeah!”

“We go on Saturday night. I will send you the details on the weekend.”

What in the living hell is going on?!

I’m borderline disgusted, but also not going to pass up an opportunity to go to a Brazilian swing club with my now best friend, the Brazilian BJJ coach and Airbnb host extraordinaire.

Which is where we will cut the story off on this here newsletter, ser ;)

Brazilians are too damn…

If you haven’t figured it out yet, let me break it down:

Brazil is an amazing country.

Best beach cities in the world.

Incredibly friendly people.

World-class nature around every corner.

Modern and livable in many areas.

Incredible place to train BJJ and/or MMA.

Very good looking girls.

Sharp, educated populace — in the south.

There’s only one issue with Brazil…

An issue that makes it hard to live in the country full-time for certain types of intrepid travelers who actually care about building online businesses.

Wat is?!

Brazilians are too damn horny.