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Donkeys in Colombia 🇨🇴
You can't make this sh*t up...
‘Twas one of my first trips to the promised land known as Colombia 🇨🇴
After enjoying a lovely month in Barranquilla and a NOT so lovely week in Cartagena, I was off to Santa Marta.
Known for its beautiful beaches and nature, the city had recently started to become a backpacker hotspot.
For good reason.
Santa Marta, Colombia offered tons of things to do for your average red-blooded gringo looking to enjoy some fine Caribbean beaches and tourism.
Plus, the nightlife was acceptable.
The place wasn’t completely overrun with gringos yet.
Parque Tayrona was just a short boat ride away.
You could pop up to Minca for mountain vibes.
And if you’re feeling adventurous, there’s always the, “Ciudad Perida” hike — featuring 3-5 days hiking through the mountains near Santa Marta. Eventually, you end up here…
But, that’s NOT what we’re here to discuss today. Sadly ;(
This isn’t a post about tourism, sers.
No, today we shall learn about…
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Donkeys in Colombia 🇨🇴
After getting acclimated in my Airbnb in downtown Santa Marta with my travel homie, we quickly went to work on the dating and mating apps.
Being hornt, vril mid-20s something bros, mating was almost always the my mind.
So when I managed to set a date for the following afternoon, I was in good spirits.
The following afternoon, a lovely “Costeña” shows up to meet me at Parque de los Novios.
We walk around, grab one drink, and quickly beeline back to my apartment.
One thing leads to the next, and well, you can use your imagination, sers.
While I’m waiting to re-energize after “numero uno” with the girl, we’re just laying in bed talking.
It was during this time of pure bliss, I remembered my friend from Bogota and what he had said about the coast of Colombia…
“Bro, why on earth are you going to the coast?! Bogota is way better. Medellin is better. Cali is better. Plus…they fuck donkeys up there!”
I laughed, but brushed off the comment during the convo. The coast of Colombia has beaches, great nature, and good looking Latinas. There was no way I wasn’t going.
But now I was relaxing with a real-life “Costeña” — born and raised in Santa Marta.
I figured she would know the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, about this topic.
I rolled over and looked at her with a smirk…
“Tengo una pregunta…” // I have a question…
She probably thought I was gonna ask for some kinky shit for round two, as her eyes lit up:
“Dime!” // Tell me!
I was playing with my rudimentary Spanish in my mind, trying to make sure the question would come out right…
“Pues, es verdad que en la costa los hombres les gustan…burras?!” // Well, is it true the men on the coast “like” donkeys?!
She started ROLLLLINNGGGGGG in laughter. Doubled-over. Tears of laughter.
I didn’t think it was that funny, as I was genuinely curious.
But went along and laughed a bit.
When she finally got control of the giggles, she looks at me…
“Puessss en Santa Marta o Barranquilla o Cartagena…de verdad, no.” // Well, in Santa Marta or Barranquilla or Cartagena…it is not true.
Ahhhh! My friend in Bogota was lying to me. Just being a dick because he hates people from the coast.
But then she continued…
“Pero SIIIII! Los hombres de los pueblos en la costa encantan hacerlo con burras.” // But YESSS! The men in the small towns on the coast love to make love with donkeys.”
She starts laughing again, then whips out her phone.
Between this insane revelation that grown men have sex with animals, my dogshit Spanish speaking ability, and post-coital bliss…
I’m confused at this point.
She’s on my side still giggling, while scrolling through her phone at breakneck speed.
She finally finds what she is looking for and blurts out…
“MIRA!” // LOOK!
Terrified about what she’s going to show me on her phone…
“Mira, eso es un amigo de mi prima. El es de un pueblo cerca de aqui. Y pues, si el le gusta burras.” // Look, this is a friend of my cousin. He is from a small town close to here. And well, he does “like” donkeys.
She shows me her phone and it’s a video of some early-20s kid railroading a donkey.
She literally had a saved video of someone making sweet love to a donkey…on her phone. In real time.
I shit you not.
We both start rolling in laughter, as I shove the phone away from my face and try to forget that disgusting video.
My Friend in Bogota Was NOT Lying
A few hours later, the lovely “Costeña” leaves my apartment to head back home.
I immediately get on WhatsApp and write my friend in Bogota.
I tell him the whole story about how I thought he was lying about the donkeys, what the girl showed me, etc.
He is cracking up!
“Bro, how could I lie about something like that?! You can’t make something like that up.”
But I was still baffled.
So I did a quick Google search and turns out…
Yep, fucking donkeys is quite common in the small towns along the Caribbean coast of Colombia.
Before Vice became a shitlib rag, back when they did actual reporting and such.
But don’t take my word for it…